I've been weird the past couple weeks. I'm coming to the realization that I am finally graduating. It's scary. It's sad. I can't help but question God. Luckily I have formed a new mantra of sorts, "I believe in the God who will give me the desires of my heart." Sometimes I chant it with an overwhelming faith that brings tears to my eyes, and other times I quietly say it while the dueling thoughts of faith and fear plague my mind. So what do I believe right now? I do believe in a God who will give me the desire of my heart, but maybe like 50 percent. But that's a hell of a lot better than the 10 percent from a couple nights ago...
I have no answers to the questions I am asking God, a blurred vision of the future, and a Jesus by my side. That is what I know with my whole heart. I believe he is sitting beside me, the intangible invisible, as I type with such nonsensical furry and passion that probably makes him laugh at my wordiness. And he is probably thinking "You're going to laugh looking back at this. And you are going to smile and dance and shout-and TRUST me and know that I AM the God who will give you the desire of your heart. That your faith does not go unnoticed, whether it's 1 percent or 99 percent. That I don't view your sins, fears, and failures as stumbling blocks that would prevent me to move in you. I want you to LIVE, SHOUT, and DANCE with the freedom that I gave you!"
And that is what I believe. It sounds like a fairy tale, or like a cheesy Saturday morning cartoon where the roadrunner always wins. But I like this fairy tale because it keeps my faith moving like ants in my pants. It gives me wonder, and marvel, and mystery. It makes my heart leap with joy for no reason and forms a lump in my throat for the same reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment